he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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