just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
