god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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