fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
