I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
