You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
