I can tuck mytits in my pants
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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