i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
