I wish my penis had an off switch
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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