I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
