Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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