I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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