one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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