that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize