I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
