the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
