There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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