There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
