Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
