My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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