I saw his package. It spoke to me.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize