I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
