Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
