I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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