u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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