Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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