Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
