vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
