They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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