wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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