They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
