Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
