Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
