Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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