Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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