So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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