I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
