There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
