why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
this just has baby written all over it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
