come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
