He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
