I got chris browned last night
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
