My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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