eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Randomize
