If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
