It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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