Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
