I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
