I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
