I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Randomize
