I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
