i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize