You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
