The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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