Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Alive.
So much puke
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
