Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
