all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
