he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
