The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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