My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
