im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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