remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't deserve a penis
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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