just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
